Thursday, 11 November 2010

The end of the world

'Um.'

'Do you have any questions?'

'Well... I mean... so you just want me to guard this red button?'

'That's it.'

'Why?'

'That is classified information, I'm afraid - even the Prime Minister doesn't know what it does. Ha!'

'Oh. So who does know?'

'...'

'It just seems a bit bizarre.'

'Ha! Yes, yes.'

'Erm... is there anywhere to sit?'

'No.'

'Can I read?'

'Not on the job.'

'And who should I be guarding this against?'

'Oh, everyone.'

'So who is allowed to push the button?'

'Nobody at all. Not even the Prime Minister is allowed to push it. Ha!'

'So I should be stopping everybody coming in apart from the other guards? Even you?'

'Oh, there aren't any other guards. Just lock up at the end of your shift.'

'Is this a wind up?'

'Ha! No.'

'Okay.'

'Great. See you later.'

Thursday, 20 May 2010

Songs about cars and girls. Oh hold on, just cars

The notices were quite shitty for Neil Young's last album, Fork in the Road, but I've just listened to it a year or so after the event and it's brilliant - it's a virtually autistic state of the world address in which he bemoans the credit crunch and goes on about how great electric guitars are. Sincerely wish he'd played some of this at Glastonbury. I mean, sure, everybody would have hated it, probably including me, but if you're ever going to go anywhere and sing a kind of "um, sure Neil" evangelical song about getting an electric, Glasto is the place. He could have slotted it in instead of ten of the choruses of 'Rockin' in the Free World'. Here is a really literal song about cars, one of many.

Wednesday, 19 May 2010

10 online existential crises

Hello blog, still rather neglected, aren't you? I suppose my conviction that all blogs are awful has rather grown - maybe it's the links on twitter, but I can't abide 'experts' constantly saying things like '10 reasons why the iPad is important'.

Actually I just Googled that very same thing - here's the first page of results:

Top 10 Reasons Why You'll Love the iPad | Gear Patrol [I DOUBT THERE ARE EVEN TEN REASONS I LOVE MY PARENTS, THIS IS EXCESSIVE]

10 Reasons Why The iPad Will Change Computing Forever [THIS IS THE WORST ONE]

5 Reasons Why The iPad Is Important For Gaming [THIS NUMBER IS LOWER, I SUPPOSE]

8 Things That Suck About the iPad - apple ipad - Gizmodo [NOT BOUND BY THE RULE OF TEN, BUT MEAN]

10 reasons to choose iPad 3G instead of WiFi | Touch User Guide ... [I DON'T UNDERSTAND]

10 Reasons a Netbook is Better Than an iPad | Business Hacks | BNET [I MEAN WHY TEN REASONS? WHY NOT JUST ONE REALLY GOOD ONE?]

10 Reasons to Go for iPad 3G Instead of WiFi - Cutting Edge News [I BET THE REASONS ARE DIFFERENT TO THE ONES ABOVE]

Top ten reasons the iPad is not a laptop killer - Tony Lima ... [I MEAN REALLY, HOW DULL MUST IT BE FROM AT LEAST POINT THREE ONWARDS]

10 Reasons to Nix the iPad in Your IT Strategy — CIOUpdate.com [I DON'T UNDERSTAND]

10 reasons Apple's iPad will be a hit with business users | 10 ... [SO BASICALLY THIS IS A BLOG TELLING INTERESTED PARTIES WHY BUSINESS USERS WILL LIKE THE IPAD IN A MANNER THAT RUNS COMPLETELY INDEPENDENT TO THIS BLOG ITSELF. IT BASICALLY LAYS OYT ITS OWN REDUNDANCE. I'M MILDLY ANNOYED]

Obviously what I have done here make series of snarky and ill informed comments about other blogs from the safety of my own blog. This makes this blog conform to one of the more major cliches of blogs.

I realise this makes a change from not blogging and writing blogs about not blogging. I think perhaps I am having a very slow online existential crisis, which is possibly in itself more worthwhile blogging than all of the above, only less interesting and useful to the type of people who used the internet. In fact if you Google '10 online existential crises' then you get nothing, though I suppose you will now. This has been elliptical. I'd like to pretend it had morphed into some sort of planned antiblog, but it really hasn't.

'Antiblog' gets 97,900. On the plus side, the top hit is the blog of ANTI-, Neko Case's record label. On the down side all the other ones look like dicks.

I could carry this on all night, you know.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

From "er?" to "AAAAAAARGH": the Karin Dreijer Andersson story

I'm sure this has been noticed by everybody with even a vague interest in both the works of The Knife and the art of dicking about on YouTube, but Karin Dreijer Andresson's route to becoming a terrifying monster with no face has not been quite as easy as one might think.

'N.Y. Hotel' (2001)



Okay, she's not in this BUT THAT'S THE POINT, sort of. Mystery, yeah? So yes, on their first ever single, The Knife had mystery. They also sound a bit sort of wanker chill out. All in all I would not be scared, nor would I particularly wonder what the singer looks like. It'd be like wondering what Royksopp look like.

'You Take My Breath Away' (2003)



I am 90 per cent sure (they are, you know, European) that this video and the clothes and dance moves therein by The Knife and a guesting Jenny Wilson constitute a joke. However, at the end of the day they look like normal people wearing some silly threads in a sort of glacially ironic way. Not scary.

Some Interview Or Other In Swedish (2003)



Oh dear oh dear. Oh dear. She even SMILES.

'Silent Shout' (2006)



Basically I don't have much more of a point to add from hereon in - they disappeared for several years until everybody had forgotten about their boring faces, then came back pitchshifted and dressed as... um, yeah.

'If I Had A Heart' (2009)



About two minutes in what is probably her appears. Dressed as a corpse.

'Concrete Walls' (live)



Now she is just a big, menacing blob, singing through a pitchshifter. I would not be happy to have this woman in my home.

'Slow' (live)



For god's sake woman, it's only a live cameo with dEUS, you do not have to dress up as the king of the wringwraiths.

P3 Guld Awards



I mean, was this even intended as a joke? Is it even her on stage? Was she just sat like that for the entire performance? What's she going to do next year? Eat the host's brain? Because if she doesn't eat the host's brain she's going to make a right tit out of herself.